how to not procrastinate
Ha, good luck.
I don’t know make a list
Put stuff on the list that is easy to do.
Start with the easy stuff, hopefully that builds some momentum and you can start doing the harder stuff.
Hopefully that momentum translates into a can-do attitude. Hopefully that can-do attitude turns into all sorts of confidence. Hopefully that confidence helps you get all your shit done.
I’m writing this blog post at night…..I was going to write this blog post in the morning.
I’m probably not the best person to ask how not to procrastinate.
Sometimes I put stuff on my calendar to do. I try to put things that I can only do at night, at night. Stuff I need to do for work, I put as a calendar event during the work day.
Some people say to give yourself made-up deadlines. When I have a deadline I’m more likely to get that done on time. But usually not until the last minute. Really it’s not so much about not procrastinating, it’s about trying to be proactive instead of reactive. Instead of reacting with anxiety and stress to a deadline that is looming and getting things done quickly and in a scramble. It’s looking way out to a deadline that is months away and chipping away on the task, little bits at a time until it’s done.
Who the hell does that?
The only thing I have found that kind of mimics that stress now for a later deadline is to think of projects that I actually want to do. Like creative approaches. Like things that I am excited about and have started to tell people about. The fear that I might have to tell someone that the thing I was so excited about last summer that I was going to have out this fall….yeah I didn’t do that. That perceived future shame can sometimes be a present moment catalyst to get started. So from there I break it down into lists. Listing out even the smallest things, like call so and so and ask a question. But again this approach relies on panic. It’s not really sustainable. It fizzles out. And that’s exactly what happens. I’ll have a flurry of activity and then I’ll feel accomplished and then something else will come up that’s flaming higher and I’ll focus on that and weeks will go by before I remember to re-look at that other thing. Usually it’s another panic moment. Cold sweat moment just before falling asleep.
So I guess the only way not to procrastinate is to live in a constant state of panic….there ya go. That should work.
how to enjoy a cloudy day
First look up and stare. Really take in the clouds. Realize that the clouds are moving. Realize that since the clouds are moving, this won’t last. It will be sunny again. This cloud cover too shall pass.
Second, is it raining? If it is think about that Office Episode where they try to get Phyllis to list her 12 cliches for when it rains. Here they are:
The plants are going to love this.
I sure don’t want to get stuck in this on the way home.
It’s raining cats and dogs.
The humidity is going to make my hair freak.
The roads are slickest in the first half hour.
We’re pay for all the sun we got this year.
This weather just makes me want to stay at home curled up with a good book.
If we lived in Seattle, every day would be like this.
I wish I were allowed one rain check a year.
I love the smell after it rains.
Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.
I actually sleep better in the rain.
There is some great gratitude on this list.
Yes the plants are going to love this and they probably really need it.
We’re paying for all the sun, that’s kind of a karmic look at things. Like we have to get through some cloudy days to earn our sunny days. Or we don’t enjoy the sunny days until we have had to experience the cloudy days.
Stay at home with a book, absolutely. I would do this anyway sun or clouds. But it does feel extra cozy to be reading and glance up from your book and look outside and see rain drops. Even better if it’s snowing.
I think we’re allowed as many rain checks as we want each year, it’s called having boundaries?
I do love the smell after it rains.
I too, sleep better in the rain. Sometimes I’ll use rain storm hitting a roof as a white noise track.
Okay, but what if it’s not raining and it’s just cloudy.
Well even better because you’re not getting blasted by rain or by sunshine.
You could always move to a sunnier location.
You could just go back inside and sleep till it’s sunny again.
You could appreciate the hat that nature is putting on for you, protecting you.
Personally I love cloudy days. I feel like the world expects less of me on cloudy days. I feel like there is less pressure from society to get things done. Like it’s an easier day, more casual when it’s cloudy.
So I guess find a way to enjoy it. If you can’t, just remember the clouds are moving and this won’t last forever.
How to not get discouraged
I guess it’s unavoidable.
I want to believe that for every problem there is a solution and that solution is immediate or at least fast-acting.
Sometimes life is just hard and it sucks and there isn’t anything that can fix it.
That doesn’t mean I don’t try. But it means when I’ve tried a bunch of stuff and I’m exhausted I can be nice to myself and remember that shit is hard and sometimes it just sucks.
Learning to sit in discomfort and that I’ll be okay is the goal. Learning that I have the strength and fortitude to sit through hard times and come out the other side just fine is huge. What I learn from that process is that I don’t have to reach for a drink or a drug to try to numb out and avoid the process. The process is unavoidable. I can either do it now sober or I can get fucked up and put that process on hold, meanwhile it’s gaining interest and festering and when I am finally confronted with the process of enduring pain it’s going to be exponentially harder.
So I guess discouragement is natural. It’s okay to admit that I’m upset. Full stop. I’m angry. Sentence over. Will I still go for a run and try to mitigate the situation. Yes, but when I get back from the run and I’m tired and life is still pissing me off. Well that’s when I am learning to just accept it. This too shall pass. Just not right away.
It’s especially made harder when I feel like the things that are pissing me off about life are completely outside of my control. And I feel that way, because they are completely outside of my control. But I think that they aren’t at first and then I have to go through this thought process to remind myself that they are indeed outside of my control. And that becomes a loop and that whole mental process is exhausting. And I’m right where I started except now I’m really tired which doesn’t help the original anger. It probably makes it worse.
So what’s the advice here?
Learn that you will be okay. No matter what. Life can suck, you will get through it. And learn to appreciate when life is good. Express gratitude for the good. Especially when life is good. It’s always moving forward, whether I’m feeling good or shitty. That last moment is already over and I’m in a new moment. Odds are I won’t even remember this feeling two weeks from now.
how to find new music to listen to
Listen to college radio. Stream it so that you can see the song titles. Hopefully they have that feature turned on, on their website.
I have found some really cool stuff by listening to college radio. Bonus points if you are an older person who is influenced by what the young cool kids like and you want to pretend to be still young and cool.
I think the older I get the more I don’t want to become an old guy who says all new music sucks and music was much better back in my day. And all that old guy yelling at clouds shit. It’s so old and it’s the fastest way that I can see towards irrelevance. When your music tastes just stop two, three, or even four decades ago. That’s a bad sign. That’s a sign that you are stuck in the past. Guess what, everyone is still moving. The world is still moving, no matter what.
Yes new things are weird, but there was new weird stuff when you were young. There always will be. But don’t judge an entire generation by some new weird shit. No artist defines a generation.
Examples of cool bands I’ve found from listening to my local college radio station. Which is Radio K.
She’s Green
Geese
King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard
Mazzy Star (yes I know they aren’t brand new, but I missed them when I was younger)
MJ Lenderman
Big Thief
Arlo Parks
Waxahatchee
Nilüfer Yanya
How did I get the umlaut over the u, well hit the win key and then the period key. Go over to the special characters menu and scroll down to the letters.
See you learn something new every day.
how to determine the best lifesaver
It’s wintergreen far and away. Nothing comes close. Well the orange mints get pretty close. It’s not pep-o-mint. It’s wintergreen. Stranded on a desert island and I get to choose one hard candy. It’s wintergreen life savers. It’s not werther’s originals. It’s not jolly ranchers.
Here’s why. It’s the perfect mintiness. It’s not overwhelming. It’s tactilely pleasing to the tongue (eww what a gross line) especially the smooth side. It is not so hard of a candy that it will break your jaw or crack your teeth. Also if you chew on it in the dark it will sparkle.
Werther’s originals, aren’t bad. They are fine. But they take too long, the pay-off takes too long and there isn’t a pay-off.
Jolly Ranchers aren’t fun anymore. I used to love them. Well not love them, but I appreciated them. Especially the grape and blue raspberry flavors. It was fun to suck them down to a thin sliver and then try to bend them without cracking.
No it’s wintergreen life savers, because if you’re frustrated you can just chomp away on them. They are only 15 calories and your breath is fresher after.
how to leave a meeting without seeming rude
First off, you could just not give a shit and walk out. I think you would be surprised by how little people care. Or if they do care how fast they would get over it. They would probably be more pissed that they didn’t have the courage to leave themselves.
If you do kind of give a shit. Wait for a natural break. Like when the topic is changing. Or the speaker is going to switch to a new person. That way it seems like a natural transition point and it’s safe to walk away.
You can always try the phone trick. Frustratingly or worriedly grab your phone. Furrow your brow, throw the phone up to your ear and walk out hurriedly. If you pull it off you will convince everyone in the room that this phone call simply couldn’t wait. If you have foresight you can seed your fellows by talking about waiting for an important phone call from a doctor that is supposed to be coming. Or you’re mother in law is landing soon and needs a ride. Or your kids are at a sleep away camp and may call any minute. Or your brother is getting out of prison today and needs a ride and will call when he gets out. Or your father in law just got pulled over for a DUI and you need to go post bail. The point of the phone call trick is to look annoyed and concerned. I don’t think people will question someone taking a phone call that appears to be an emergency. I think you get the benefit of the doubt on that every time. Now you can’t pull this trick off repeatedly. I think you only get a couple of these a year.
If you are desperate you could fake diarrhea. No one is going to give you a hard time for needing to take a shit. This is a harder improv move to pull off though. You need to convey urgency, discomfort, and panic. Try clutching your stomach with one hand and your covering your eyes. Grimace and shift uncomfortably. Snap your legs closed and cross them and lower your head and close your eyes. If you really don’t give a shit and you really want to sell it. Stand up quickly, squeeze your thighs together and place your flat palm against your butt and shuffle quickly out of the room.
I think another option is to just confidently walk out. Act like it’s the most natural thing on the planet for you to be leaving. Maybe check your watch, roll your eyes back like of course it’s that time now. And get up and walk out. Don’t look back and walk slowly but with purpose. Do not make eye contact with the speaker or anyone else. Eyes straight ahead.
Now all of these strategies are much easier to pull off if you think ahead and place yourself near the exit. Now for this to appear natural. You can’t be the second one to arrive. Usually people sit up front first and then you’ll be sitting way in the back and that will seem off. You also can’t be the last one to arrive because odds are there won’t be a spot near the door and you’ll draw too much attention to yourself finding the only available chair. I think for this to work you’ll want to arrive in the middle of the pack with everyone else. When I arrive too early and it seems awkward to grab the chair by the door, I will turn right around and head to the bathroom or grab a water. That gives the room time to fill in some more and probably leaves me with the chair I want.
Remember folks, time is the most valuable currency you have. It’s literally all we have and all we are doing is losing it. Why sit through something that’s a waste of time? Get your ass out of there and live your life.
How I know I need alanon
Because the second I hear that someone isn’t doing things how I think they should be done. I want to call them and tell them not only what they are doing what wrong, but what they should be doing.
Now there are a couple things wrong with that. (A couple???) First off, the ego coming from me that lets me think I have control and sway over anyone else.
Second, that I think I know how someone else should live their life. I’m not in their head. I haven’t lived their life. I haven’t walked in their shoes. I have no idea what they are going through and why they are making the decisions that they are making.
There’s probably more. But since I haven’t been going to Alanon for that long, I don’t know the rest yet.
I know there are three C’s.
I didn’t ‘cause’ this. I can’t ‘control’ this. And I can’t ‘cure’ this.
I grew up into my late 30’s being a very codependent person. I give my worth away. I give everyone else around my worth and hope that they take care of it. Like a small child handing their macaroni art project to a grown-up and hoping they will take good care of it.
My codependency manifests itself in the creation and maintenance of my self esteem. I leave it up to my close circle of friends and family to generate and validate my self esteem. I grew up under the myth that I have no control over my own self esteem. It’s for others to award to me.
So this means that when someone in my family is doing something wrong. Since we grew up codependent to each other. That means that they know how to fix me and I know how to fix them. And more importantly it’s my duty to tell them when they are broken and how to fix themselves. Because in a codependent muddle we are all just a messy unit together. There isn’t individuality. There isn’t personalities. There is a group think and feeling that we all have to maintain.
In my particular codependent muddle we had a very strong personality we were all trying to manage for our own safety and serenity. This means sacrificing my own needs, wants, opinions, and feelings for the betterment of the group. We just need to keep them calm and the rest of us will be calm.
This means that I am incredibly hyper sensitive to moods and mood shifts. When something is off with someone I can sense it and I want to fix it. When the vibe shifts I feel it. It’s crazy how much you can learn to sense about a person based on how they enter a door. How they open the door. How they set their lunch bag down. Where and how they take their boots off. The first glance they throw in your direction. All of this goes into an equation and equals out to whether I’m in danger or safe.
This is why I need Alanon and therapy and a lot of other things I’ll go into some other time. But today it’s Alanon, that I’m needing. Someone in my family had a major episode and I assumed that would be their rock bottom and they would now proceed to get help and get better. Well that was a mistaken assumption. And my first instinct is to call them and call other family members and go into triage. Go into damage control. To start the trauma manifesting and bonding. After all this is happening to all of us right?
No. It’s just happening to one person. How they handle it is their business. Not mine. If they want my opinion they will ask. And they aren’t asking. My phone is not ringing. They did not consult with me. They did not put me on speakerphone from the hospital. So instead of beating my head against the wall expecting a new result. I’m going to stay in my lane. I’m going to complain to my sponsor and I’m going to get to the first meeting I can.
There is a hula hoop around me. Pretend hula hoop. Inside that hula hoop is the things I can control (barely.) Outside the hula hoop is everything I can’t control. It can be that simple.
How to survive a road trip with a friend you haven’t spent a lot of time with so you aren’t sure if they are going to drive you nuts
Talk ahead of time. Establish a bathroom plan. Figure out if they are the type of person who needs to pee every 20 minutes. If they are, consider flying. Are they willing to drive straight through and never stop? If so then you’d better get some wide mouthed bottles and get real comfortable peeing next to each other. This is why it’s good to travel with people approximately your same age. That way you don’t have to be like, yeah I have to pee, I’m old, just you wait until you get to my age and then you’ll understand. No one likes to be on either side of that conversation.
What kind of music do they like? Do they drive in silence? Do they like podcasts? Do they only listen to musicals? Are they okay if you take control of the aux cord? Or do they demand complete control over the media situation?
Are they the type of person who only stops at rest stops? Or do they only stop at places that are on the right side of the road that allow immediate access back to the freeway? Do they like to stop at every notable geographic and historical marker? Do they insist on taking the scenic route whenever possible.
Ask all these questions and more. Unless you are the type of person who can roll with anything, you’ll want to know these things so you can set your expectations appropriately.
Also have an escape plan. Where does the Amtrak stop in case they drive you nuts in the middle of Ohio and you need to bail and take the train the rest of the way.
Are you driving straight through the night? Or will you stop and get a hotel if things get dicey? Will your co-driver admit when things get dicey? Or will they be literally falling asleep at the wheel and get mad when you point it out?
Maybe you want to find out a couple really damning things about this person. Some really sensitive areas that you can prod if you need a couple hours of silence. Even if it’s strained dramatic silence. Sometimes silence in any form is better than inane chatter.
Make sure you prepare some conversation topics. Maybe listen to a podcast about shipwrecks and be ready to pause and discuss. Also good to find out if they are the type of person to pause a podcast for conversation or if they will just talk right over the podcast. Is the podcast the main attraction or just background noise. If it’s just background noise make sure you don’t pick anything you actually want to listen to.
Download things ahead of time. Just because your cell phone carrier’s commercials show the whole nation covered in pink, doesn’t mean you will get service everywhere.
Get a feel for their politics. You’ll be in some rural areas and you’re going to see some pro-choice and Jesus saves billboards. Best to get a sense for how that will be received before you get locked into a conversation about accepting their lord in christ in your heart while you are literally trapped in a speeding car with them.
Which brings up what kind of driver are they? Are they going to be maniacally passing everyone they can, like they are auditioning for the next Fast and the Furious movie? Or will they pin the cruise control at 55 and park themselves in the left lane and get honked and flicked off for hours? This can greatly affect how long or short your trip will take. Are they even going to let you drive? Maybe that’s not a bad thing if they drive the whole time. Get some reading done. Are they going to be cool with you reading or will they demand you entertain them and that’s your job as passenger?
Be prepared to learn a lot about your co-traveler. It would be weird if you didn’t get into some heavy shit while traveling. Do you want to know about what their wife’s childhood was like? Yeah? Good. I mean I do, but I don’t have boundaries so I’m all for learning everything about everyone to the point of co-dependency.
Use the trip as an excuse to ditch your diet. Buy all the candy and the beef jerky and the chips. Hell buy and eat a whole box of Lucky Charms. Why the hell not. Just don’t drink a lot of liquid, eat instead. Get some wet wipes in case they are a neat freak or maybe you’re a neat freak and you don’t like cheeto dust on your hands. Do they like cheeto dust on their hands, because they are touching the steering wheel with those cheeto dusty hands and soon you will be too at the next driver change. Gross.
You should probably talk about number twos. When do they poop? When do you? How many times? This is a fun time to give a plug for psyllium husks. Honestly, psyllium husks in my smoothies have drastically reduced the amount of number twos I take. Nothing slows you down like several poops. Especially unscheduled and urgent bathroom trips. I like to avoid eating anything spicy leading up to a road trip. I don’t want to be the guy who has to stop 8 times because my gut is churning. But maybe you do, live dangerously, why not. Just be prepared for passive aggressive shaming.
I guess it all comes down to communication and managing expectations. I can literally survive anything if I have my expectations set appropriately. And I will literally be tortured if my expectations are set inappropriately.
Get out there, see the world. Just maybe wait for gas prices to come down. Or fly, really flying is easier and you get there much fast and you don’t waste whole days driving through rural Indiana and Ohio.
Either way just remember, it’s not the destination its the friends you make along the way!!!!!!!!
how to give a shit
I don’t know. Some days I really don’t know. It seems to come in phases. It’s cyclical. Like the lunar phases. I don’t think it’s tied specifically to lunar phases though.
I think I just have to remember that it comes and goes. Ebbs and flows.
And that when I don’t have it. I can’t “should” myself to death over it.
This too shall pass.
When I don’t give a shit. I can try to look at my sleep schedule. Am I just tired from lack of sleep. Can I take a nap? Can I go to bed earlier tonight?
I can look at my water intake. Am I dehydrated?
Have I eaten enough food. Am I just hangry and I can’t give a shit?
Am I lonely? Have I not had enough social contact recently. Maybe I can call or text a friend and put something out into the universe. Maybe I just need a hug. Maybe I need to pet a dog or my dog.
Maybe none of that is going to work. And I need to be able to sit in my own shitty uncomfortableness. Which is a skill I never knew I was going to need. I can be uncomfortable. I can be in pain. I will get through it. I have before. I will again.
Darkest before the dawn and all that bullshit. Sometimes this just suck and then time passes and they don’t suck anymore.
How to do christmas shopping
Start in May.
Honestly. Start noticing now all the toys your kids take an interest in at the souvenir store on your spring break vacation. Take pictures behind their back and order it online. Start or continue to pay attention to the fact that your partner keeps complaining about a sore neck. Buy them a gift card to a full service spa, make it enough so they can pick an array of services. Spas that have salt scrubs, saunas, pools, different types of massages are good. Notice that hideous wall decoration that your mother says looks cool at the farmer’s market and make a note to buy it.
I have found all the best most meaningful gifts I’ve given have started with ideas that came about way in advance.
One year we got my wife a taxidermied white squirrel. She loves taxidermied animals. Especially small cute ones doing human things. We knew going into that holiday season that she wanted some kind of animal and after checking prices and availability we soon realized that we would have to aim small and do some digging.
By the way the whole time I’m talking with my kids about this. Getting them involved in the planning process. It helps us get excited for the holidays in advance. It helps give us something to plan for. It’s a good opportunity to learn about logistics like shipping times. It’s good for learning about where and how to find specialty shops.
Turns out we did find a specialty shop specializing in taxidermy. But everything was a little outside our comfort zone for price.
So we dug around. We googled and found an amateur taxidermist (scary right?) operating out of his house. I called him up just to ask some questions. Turns out he had exactly what we wanted. A small white squirrel that he had done for a client who never picked it up so he would let it go for cheap.
Awesome! All we had to do was drive way out in the suburbs and pick it up.
From there we outfitted this squirrel with a walking staff and a hat. How do you find a squirrel sized hat, well you look at small doll accessories. The walking staff ended up being a small stick we found outside.
The squirrel went over like gangbusters. The wife loved it.
This is not the type of gift you find the day before Christmas. It took months to plan and source.
How to Sunday
For god’s sake don’t think about Monday.
Don’t think about work. Don’t look ahead at your schedule for Monday morning.
For the love of christ don’t start reading emails.
Throw your phone out the window.
Go take a dog for a walk. Maybe three dogs for three walks.
Take a nap.
Watch a sporting event.
Read a book.
Spend way too long on your phone. Who cares, it’s the afternoon now and Monday is looming.
No it’s not, it’s still Sunday. Don’t let tomorrow’s anxiety steal the present joy.
Desperately research something fun to do.
Go to a park. Walk around a lake. Go to a museum. See a waterfall. Get some ice cream.
Take another nap?
Read well into the night time.
Dig out your phone and then throw it into the corner again.
Do not look at emails. Don’t look ahead at meetings coming up.
Go back to your book. Stay up super late because fuck Monday.
How to Saturday
It starts on Friday. Clear your calendar, unless you like doing a lot of stuff.
Don’t necessarily stay up super late or go to bed early. Go to sleep exactly when you are tired.
Wake up when you mean to. Stay in bed a little longer, just because you can.
Make coffee.
Drink water.
Grab a book and a blanket and your coffee. Spend just long enough on the couch reading with coffee.
Start to get hungry. Start thinking about maybe venturing out into the world.
What’s the weather?
Good, well then how about a cool lunch spot?
Not good weather, still go out, but go to a grocery store and get all the treats. Chips, cookies, pastries, rotisserie chicken, cereal, and ice cream.
Back to the couch and go fucking nuts on food. Watch a movie that you’ve been meaning to.
Take a nap.
Take several naps. Wake up from one nap, eat and fall asleep again.
Maybe shower at this point, it’s probably around 4pm.
Order pizza.
Watch another movie? Maybe read some more.
Stay up super late watching a new show you found at 9pm and there are multiple seasons and no commercials.
how to get a cheaper salad from the salad bar at the grocery store
Remember it’s by weight. The more wet ingredients the heavier it’ll be and the more expensive.
Skip the dressing. Grab a bottle of your favorite dressing and apply it yourself liberally while you are eating. Best of both worlds.
Or even cheaper? Grab a bag of mixed greens from the produce area. Use the dressing you already have at home in the refrigerator that might be expired, but is still probably good.
Or even cheaper? Grow your own vegetables. Raise your own cows and make dressing from the pure raw milk. Butcher the cow and there is your protein.
Or even cheaper? Don’t eat, live off vibes alone. Aura farm your way to satiety.
how to eat a banana
They say to open the bottom end. Or the end without the stalk.
I’ve done that a couple of times. I can’t say it’s easier or better.
Just open it however you want. Eat it from the middle for gods sake.
Who gives a shit.
The first word of this post is what is wrong with our society and especially my mindset in how to interact with society. THEY. Who are they? What is their purpose? Why do they want me to feel so much shame?
Maybe it’s the collective subconscious morality of our society. It’s all the billion little rules that aren’t explicitly stated that we all try to adhere to and rub up against.
Like letting everyone out of the elevator before getting on.
Like not having a phone conversation on a public bus.
Like not watching porn in public.
Like not taking any coffee from the carafe until it’s all the way done brewing. (I just learned this one, apparently the first few cups are super concentrated if you take some before it’s all the way done brewing. Leaving the rest of the folks with watered down coffee)
Like eating a burrito from the end and not from the middle
Like not using a fork and knife to eat pizza.
Like not double dipping.
Without “they” we wouldn’t have a working society. So do we need some kind of shame monster sitting on our shoulder guiding our decisions?
Yes, yes we do. Otherwise it’s fucking anarchy.
How to stop a balrog
First off, don’t go into the Mines of Moria. Don’t listen to Gimli. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Trust Gandalf’s instincts. Especially don’t get suckered into entering because there is a mini-kraken in the pond right in front of the door way. I thought the dwarves were master builders? They put their mine entrance right next to a body of water? What about drainage issues?
If you do end up going in the Mines of Moria. Survive the cave trolls and the goblins.
Well then, it’s time to draw straws. Somebody is staying behind. Do you have a sapper in your crew? Someone with explosives experience. A wizard is great, but don’t waste your wizard. You’ll want them later. Unless the author needed a convenient way to get Frodo and Sam on their own.
What would it have looked like with Frodo, Sam and Gandalf traipsing through Mordor. Probably wouldn’t work right? They’d get noticed? Or he wouldn’t have a chance to turn into Gandalf the White. And looks like the men will need him anyway.
Okay, back to the Balrog. You’ll want to find the skinniest, ricketiest, oldest, least maintained bridge you can. Give yourself plenty of time to get across. Plant explosives at the weakest point, it’s probably in the middle where it’s the narrowest.
Okay now it’s time to find your weakest team member. They are going to be the bait. And I’m sorry it just can’t be the wizard. My pick is Boromir. Galadriel told you he’s going to try and take the ring. Wait that hasn’t happened yet, but come on everyone can sense it after that awkward moment in the snow when he was holding the chain. He’s already been corrupted. He’s a dick to Aragorn. Now a case could be made for Merry or Pippin, but come on they are hobbits and they’ll be needed to help treebeard destroy Saruman’s tower. Also it would be a dick move to kill off a hobbit, at least this early.
Okay everyone else get out of range of the fire whip. Place Boromir near the explosives. You should also use a dead-man’s trigger instead of a fuse just to make him feel more valuable and necessary.
I think having everyone just leaving the area as the Balrog approaches will make him more likely to try and rush across the bridge and not notice how fragile it is. Also having Boromir waving his sword about and yelling at the Balrog will help too. You don’t want that Balrog remembering it has wings and just flying across the gap.
I think to really cement the trap you’ll want Boromir to try and stab the Balrog, it certainly doesn’t have to be lethal, just get him in the foot enough to piss him off. Then have Boromir blow the bridge and he can ride that demon down to the pits of hell.
Boom everyone gets out.
That’s how you stop a Balrog.
how to meditate
I don’t know. I never fucking do it.
I’ve been told forever that I should do it. That it really helps. Sets a great intention. Resets your brain.
I know all of that. I’ve heard all of that. I’ve heard it from people I trust.
I still don’t fucking do it.
I have the apps. Even one of that costs money.
I have something where I’m always semi self-sabotaging myself. I can’t just let things be good and stay good.
I used to chew on the inside of my cheek.
Now I have 3 spots on my scalp that I pick at incessantly. Whenever I have a private moment. It’s especially bad at night. I’m literally sabotaging my body.
Would meditation cure that? I suppose I should try or stop complaining about it.
I think that I constantly feel like the universe is going to screw me over and that I have no control over that. SO I try to screw myself over as if that will stop the universe from doing so. And in that way I can pretend like I actually have control.
If anyone is going to screw me over, it’s going to be me that does it.
So why meditate?
It’s not that I don’t do anything that helps me.
I eat well. I exercise. I get 7-8 hours of sleep. I stretch. I read. I have friends that I call and hang out with.
But it’s like there always has to be something to rebel against. Something to push back on. I need to create an environment where my back is against the wall and I’m building the wall…..
So I guess it’s not meditation’s fault. I just need to have something that I’m currently NOT doing. That I could do, but I’m choosing not to.
It all comes back to control probably.
So if you want to learn how to meditate, just do it. Don’t think about it.
“Over thinking, over analyzing, separates the body from the mind”
how to lose weight
Count calories.
This was the last thing I did. It’s the last thing I wanted to try. I used to think it was so tedious and stupid.
I tried everything before that.
Working out more.
Eating better.
Cutting out soda.
Lifting weights.
Running a marathon.
Intermittent fasting.
Fasting.
None of that worked until I knew exactly how much I was putting into my body and how much I needed to work out to get myself into a calorie deficit.
I didn’t start to lose weight until I was consistently in a calorie deficit.
I had no idea how much I was actually consuming. I always thought I wasn’t eating that much. I have found that I will consistently underestimate how many calories I’m eating. And I’ll forget things too.
When I started counting calories, I realized that I was hitting my budgeted amount by lunch time. Hell one great breakfast can be over 2,000 calories. If that’s just breakfast and lunch and dinner are each another 1,000 calories plus snacks and dessert. There isn’t enough time to run enough to counter that many calories.
I use an app that helps me estimate a calorie budget for the day. After putting in some data and answering some questions it spits out my total amount for the day. The app also sync with my exercise app and wearable so it will factor in my exercise and add those calories onto my total for the day. Seeing the equation break down like that in very simple terms. Calories in = calories out. To lose weight I need to consume less calories.
What this also means is getting used to feeling hungry. Yes it’s uncomfortable, but it passes. I had to learn that just because I feel hungry doesn’t mean I’m hungry. It doesn’t mean I’m going to starve to death. My body is trying to put on weight. It is wired to do that. It feels safer when it’s not hungry. I have to counteract that.
Drinking water helps.
Eating more protein and fiber helps.
Having a daily budget really helps me plan out what I’m eating and not waste calories on empty food sources.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have cheat days, but I can afford that if I’m more often in a calorie deficit.
Count calories, keep track, have a budget, work out.
how to stop the pendulum or how to find the serenity inbetween ego extremes
I spend a lot of time thinking I’m either the biggest piece of shit or Jesus himself. I’m either full of shame and self doubt or my ego is off the charts.
Both are extremes along a pendulum.
Both are emotional states that suck up attention from everyone around me, whether they want to give it or not.
When I’m the biggest piece of shit. I’m making not so subtle bids for compliments. For people to prop me up. It also means I’m relying on them to fill up my own reservoir of confidence. Which is codependent behavior.
When I’m Jesus. I’m asking everyone around me to agree with that sentiment. I’m seeking validation and agreement. I’m looking to verify that my reservoir is full of confidence and more importantly deserved and justified. Which again is codependent behavior.
What’s also happening in these extremes is a lot of chaos. It’s a lot of movement. Swinging back and forth. Which is not serenity or peace of calm. I’m not present. I’m seeking.
What is the middle ground? Where would I rather be?
I’d rather be in serenity. In peace. In self-satisfaction. In my own brand of confidence, that I self manufacture.
How do I get to the middle? How do I get the pendulum to stop swinging.
First off I have to learn how to create and fill up my own reservoir of confidence through esteemable acts.
This is not the same as quick hit compliments. It’s a much slower process. But the end product is more sustainable and richer. It stays in the reservoir longer. It burns slower and not so dramatically. Esteemable acts for me are being of service others. Whether that’s volunteering at a food shelf or holding the door open for everyone I encounter throughout my day. It means doing something that only my kids want to do.
—Now I’ve switched from a reservoir to a fuel tank metaphor - FYI—
I’ve also had to realize that unconditional love only comes from a higher power and maybe dogs too. Which is freeing because it means I can have some say in where I seek unconditional love. It means it doesn’t come from my partner, friends, and family. It comes from within.
Hobbies fill my tank through just doing them, but also setting goals within them. Last year I wanted to harvest 3 whitetail deer. I was able to do that. I am still feeling the high of that accomplishment. That type of fuel is thick and slow burning.
Exercise fills my tank on a daily basis by emptying my tank of anxiousness. I get so antsy and my head is so full of thoughts that a lot of days I just need to go and physically exhaust myself. I do this by running. So I get an accomplishment out of completing mileage. When I’m done I get to look at my post-exercise report and look at the miles I ran, the calories I burned, and the time it took me. All great metrics that correlate to fuel in my confidence tank.
Expressing gratitude throughout my day is huge. I have an app that I check boxes in. Every day I try to list at least 15 things I’m grateful for. Even if it’s just something small like the ability to walk. To huge things like sobriety. Expressing gratitude grounds me in the present moment. It gets me out of the past shame and future anxiety. It fills the tank by counting the items already in the tank that I might not be able to see or recognize.
Despite believing that I am truly truly special. I struggle to be able to actually tell you why. So I practice telling myself kind things. If I made a list of things that I tell myself on a daily basis and then said those things to a friend, I wouldn’t have that friend anymore. My internal self dialogue is very negative. So I try to list out kind things about myself to say. Even if it’s something like I like my red shirt or my brown eyes. It all adds up and fuels the tank.
I also have a couple daily affirmations that I say to myself throughout the day. Like I radiate confidence and courage. I deserve to have my needs met. I let go of the past. I accept myself as I am right now. I embrace an imperfection as part of what makes me unique.
Replacing I should with I get to or I choose to. Is also huge. I should go for a run changes to I get to go for a run. That little reframing of the language changes it from a chore to an activity that I’m grateful I get to do.
I know when the pendulum has stopped swinging wildly because I’m more easily able to think of others and be of service to them. I’m at peace. I also recognize that the pendulum doesn’t stay still. I give myself grace around that. My default is motion. I just know now that I have tools to calm it down and I have gratitude for when it’s more serene.
how to get over allergies
For me, first off, get in denial about it.
I never had allergies as a kid so there is no way I could have them now…..right?
Ignore the scratchy throat, runny nose, itchy eyes, and voice that’s an octave lower.
Your son is sick and it’s strep throat. Take him to the doctor and get him on a prescription.
Go get a strep test. It’s negative.
Shit now what.
All my eggs were in the strep basket.
Start sucking on cough drops. Vitamin C ones in the fruit flavors.
Start taking the vitamin C powdered concoctions.
Wake up feeling worse.
Finally, finally, finally check out the weather pages that show allergens and air quality.
Shit, notice that tree pollen is super high.
Finally admit that it might be allergies.
Finally admit that allergies can present later in life.
Take the pilgrimage to the local drug store and buy all the stuff.
Nasal spray. Zyrtec is how much? Look down and notice the generic version is the same exact dose for way cheaper.
Think about buying a neti pot. Get distracted by a man yelling at the pharmacist while yelling at someone on his cell phone.
Get the hell out.
Start taking all the stuff.
Feel better. Well shit.
Try to find a moment for gratitude that you are feeling better. Instead start worrying instantly about how long these pills will last and ask yourself, “IS THIS MY LIFE NOW? Buying and taking allergy medicine, how long can this go on????!?!??!”
Take a deep breath through your mouth because your nose is still stuffed.
Talk myself down from the allergy mountain and do some research.
Allergens from tree pollen in my region typically last from late March to the end of May. That’s not forever.
Realize that taking one pill a day and two hits of nasal spray is not that much of an extra burden on my day to day existence.
Then start to feel better. Not a hundred percent. But better.
This too shall pass.
I’m on day three…..
how to not mow your lawn aka how to not keep up with the joneses
Just stop mowing your lawn.
The best time to do this is in May, because there is already an established “No Mow May” campaign.
Get a yard sign stating you are participating in No Mow May.
Feel environmentally smug after putting up your yard sign.
Get hyped as the grass grows. Pay special attention to the borders of your grass and your neighbor’s mowed grass (assuming they don’t participate) this is where you’ll literally measure your joy.
Realize and keep track of all the time you have now saved not mowing your lawn.
It’s more than time. It’s saved water from not watering your lawn. It’s saved money from not buying gas for your mower.
Adding up all that time for an entire season equals at least one more book that could be read. One more season of a television show that could be watched. One more entire season of your favorite sports team that you could be watching if you weren’t outside trying to mitigate your shame and keep up with the Joneses.
Fuck the Joneses. Who died and made them king and queen? Why should I care what they think about my yard. I’ve never met them. I don’t know what’s going on in their head. Maybe they are spending so much time worrying about their own yard they haven’t even noticed mine?
It’s none of my business what other people think about me.
I have enough shame flying at me in all directions from society. If I can eliminate one of those by not caring about my lawn, why not? It’s never going to look like the 18th hole of Augusta. And why would I want it to?
I think my yard should represent native species. If a plant needs my extra help to survive in my yard. It’s not meant to be. I want native hardy resilient plants.
Life is too short and there are too many books to read.
PART TWO OR AN UPDATE
My wife hired a guy to take care of our lawn. So does that mean I fail or I win?
On a personal level I win because I don’t have to do the lawn at all. The guy is going to do the landscaping and the mowing and the trimming and all the things.
But I also lose on a personal level because my wife hired someone to do it. So we lose financially and she might be mad at me because I wasn’t doing it. I don’t think the latter is true because I’ve made my case known about the landscaping industry for a while now. So she knew not to depend on me for that. Ruh-roh, just reading that last sentence aloud doesn’t sound great. Honestly I think it’s fine though. She cares much more about the lawn than I do and she had already taken it on herself as her thing…….More to be revealed on this front at a later date.
On a macro sense I also kind of lose because the crushing guilt of society wins the day because we are going to have a lawn that looks like we care. A lawn that keeps up with the Joneses. Fucking Joneses.
I looked more into this landscaping green lawn crap and it’s all just a way of displaying luxury. To have enough land on your property that can be used for aesthetic and leisure is an indulgence. It broadcasts to the other landed property owners that I have so much land I don’t need this chunk, but I have so much money I’m willing to spend it on a trifling matter such as keeping it green and planting plants that aren’t native. So double middle finger to the environment as well. Playing god on all levels.
I think that’s what it comes down to…playing and acting like god. And making sure everyone else in the area and everyone else that might drive by knows it too. We might as well just put up signs that say I am god. Just look at my lawn. Look at what I can make grow.
Look at the lemon tree I planted in a northern climate, far away from it’s native region. Look how much water I can waste to keep it alive. Look at how I have to protect it through the winter. Hell I might even dig it up, bring it inside to my greenhouse to keep it going. Or I’ll just buy a new one and plant it again next year when this one dies. The whole idea of Annuals as a plant that we just accept are temporary. We buy them in the spring, plant them, enjoy them for a short few weeks, they die and we do it again next year. What the hell is that?
I promise you I am not just trying to get out of doing work. Yes I am lazy, I will admit that. But I honestly believe we are wasting valuable resources on something that doesn’t matter and serves no purpose other than aesthetics.
To get really hyperbolic, I would hate to being dying of dehydration in ten years wishing I could have some of that water that I just haphazardly threw onto my non-native grass in August when it was just going to die off in the fall anyway.