how to stop the pendulum or how to find the serenity inbetween ego extremes

I spend a lot of time thinking I’m either the biggest piece of shit or Jesus himself. I’m either full of shame and self doubt or my ego is off the charts.

Both are extremes along a pendulum.

Both are emotional states that suck up attention from everyone around me, whether they want to give it or not.

When I’m the biggest piece of shit. I’m making not so subtle bids for compliments. For people to prop me up. It also means I’m relying on them to fill up my own reservoir of confidence. Which is codependent behavior.

When I’m Jesus. I’m asking everyone around me to agree with that sentiment. I’m seeking validation and agreement. I’m looking to verify that my reservoir is full of confidence and more importantly deserved and justified. Which again is codependent behavior.

What’s also happening in these extremes is a lot of chaos. It’s a lot of movement. Swinging back and forth. Which is not serenity or peace of calm. I’m not present. I’m seeking.

What is the middle ground? Where would I rather be?

I’d rather be in serenity. In peace. In self-satisfaction. In my own brand of confidence, that I self manufacture.

How do I get to the middle? How do I get the pendulum to stop swinging.

First off I have to learn how to create and fill up my own reservoir of confidence through esteemable acts.

This is not the same as quick hit compliments. It’s a much slower process. But the end product is more sustainable and richer. It stays in the reservoir longer. It burns slower and not so dramatically. Esteemable acts for me are being of service others. Whether that’s volunteering at a food shelf or holding the door open for everyone I encounter throughout my day. It means doing something that only my kids want to do.

—Now I’ve switched from a reservoir to a fuel tank metaphor - FYI—

I’ve also had to realize that unconditional love only comes from a higher power and maybe dogs too. Which is freeing because it means I can have some say in where I seek unconditional love. It means it doesn’t come from my partner, friends, and family. It comes from within.

Hobbies fill my tank through just doing them, but also setting goals within them. Last year I wanted to harvest 3 whitetail deer. I was able to do that. I am still feeling the high of that accomplishment. That type of fuel is thick and slow burning.

Exercise fills my tank on a daily basis by emptying my tank of anxiousness. I get so antsy and my head is so full of thoughts that a lot of days I just need to go and physically exhaust myself. I do this by running. So I get an accomplishment out of completing mileage. When I’m done I get to look at my post-exercise report and look at the miles I ran, the calories I burned, and the time it took me. All great metrics that correlate to fuel in my confidence tank.

Expressing gratitude throughout my day is huge. I have an app that I check boxes in. Every day I try to list at least 15 things I’m grateful for. Even if it’s just something small like the ability to walk. To huge things like sobriety. Expressing gratitude grounds me in the present moment. It gets me out of the past shame and future anxiety. It fills the tank by counting the items already in the tank that I might not be able to see or recognize.

Despite believing that I am truly truly special. I struggle to be able to actually tell you why. So I practice telling myself kind things. If I made a list of things that I tell myself on a daily basis and then said those things to a friend, I wouldn’t have that friend anymore. My internal self dialogue is very negative. So I try to list out kind things about myself to say. Even if it’s something like I like my red shirt or my brown eyes. It all adds up and fuels the tank.

I also have a couple daily affirmations that I say to myself throughout the day. Like I radiate confidence and courage. I deserve to have my needs met. I let go of the past. I accept myself as I am right now. I embrace an imperfection as part of what makes me unique.

Replacing I should with I get to or I choose to. Is also huge. I should go for a run changes to I get to go for a run. That little reframing of the language changes it from a chore to an activity that I’m grateful I get to do.

I know when the pendulum has stopped swinging wildly because I’m more easily able to think of others and be of service to them. I’m at peace. I also recognize that the pendulum doesn’t stay still. I give myself grace around that. My default is motion. I just know now that I have tools to calm it down and I have gratitude for when it’s more serene.