how to not mow your lawn aka how to not keep up with the joneses
Just stop mowing your lawn.
The best time to do this is in May, because there is already an established “No Mow May” campaign.
Get a yard sign stating you are participating in No Mow May.
Feel environmentally smug after putting up your yard sign.
Get hyped as the grass grows. Pay special attention to the borders of your grass and your neighbor’s mowed grass (assuming they don’t participate) this is where you’ll literally measure your joy.
Realize and keep track of all the time you have now saved not mowing your lawn.
It’s more than time. It’s saved water from not watering your lawn. It’s saved money from not buying gas for your mower.
Adding up all that time for an entire season equals at least one more book that could be read. One more season of a television show that could be watched. One more entire season of your favorite sports team that you could be watching if you weren’t outside trying to mitigate your shame and keep up with the Joneses.
Fuck the Joneses. Who died and made them king and queen? Why should I care what they think about my yard. I’ve never met them. I don’t know what’s going on in their head. Maybe they are spending so much time worrying about their own yard they haven’t even noticed mine?
It’s none of my business what other people think about me.
I have enough shame flying at me in all directions from society. If I can eliminate one of those by not caring about my lawn, why not? It’s never going to look like the 18th hole of Augusta. And why would I want it to?
I think my yard should represent native species. If a plant needs my extra help to survive in my yard. It’s not meant to be. I want native hardy resilient plants.
Life is too short and there are too many books to read.
PART TWO OR AN UPDATE
My wife hired a guy to take care of our lawn. So does that mean I fail or I win?
On a personal level I win because I don’t have to do the lawn at all. The guy is going to do the landscaping and the mowing and the trimming and all the things.
But I also lose on a personal level because my wife hired someone to do it. So we lose financially and she might be mad at me because I wasn’t doing it. I don’t think the latter is true because I’ve made my case known about the landscaping industry for a while now. So she knew not to depend on me for that. Ruh-roh, just reading that last sentence aloud doesn’t sound great. Honestly I think it’s fine though. She cares much more about the lawn than I do and she had already taken it on herself as her thing…….More to be revealed on this front at a later date.
On a macro sense I also kind of lose because the crushing guilt of society wins the day because we are going to have a lawn that looks like we care. A lawn that keeps up with the Joneses. Fucking Joneses.
I looked more into this landscaping green lawn crap and it’s all just a way of displaying luxury. To have enough land on your property that can be used for aesthetic and leisure is an indulgence. It broadcasts to the other landed property owners that I have so much land I don’t need this chunk, but I have so much money I’m willing to spend it on a trifling matter such as keeping it green and planting plants that aren’t native. So double middle finger to the environment as well. Playing god on all levels.
I think that’s what it comes down to…playing and acting like god. And making sure everyone else in the area and everyone else that might drive by knows it too. We might as well just put up signs that say I am god. Just look at my lawn. Look at what I can make grow.
Look at the lemon tree I planted in a northern climate, far away from it’s native region. Look how much water I can waste to keep it alive. Look at how I have to protect it through the winter. Hell I might even dig it up, bring it inside to my greenhouse to keep it going. Or I’ll just buy a new one and plant it again next year when this one dies. The whole idea of Annuals as a plant that we just accept are temporary. We buy them in the spring, plant them, enjoy them for a short few weeks, they die and we do it again next year. What the hell is that?
I promise you I am not just trying to get out of doing work. Yes I am lazy, I will admit that. But I honestly believe we are wasting valuable resources on something that doesn’t matter and serves no purpose other than aesthetics.
To get really hyperbolic, I would hate to being dying of dehydration in ten years wishing I could have some of that water that I just haphazardly threw onto my non-native grass in August when it was just going to die off in the fall anyway.
