How I know I need alanon

Because the second I hear that someone isn’t doing things how I think they should be done. I want to call them and tell them not only what they are doing what wrong, but what they should be doing.

Now there are a couple things wrong with that. (A couple???) First off, the ego coming from me that lets me think I have control and sway over anyone else.

Second, that I think I know how someone else should live their life. I’m not in their head. I haven’t lived their life. I haven’t walked in their shoes. I have no idea what they are going through and why they are making the decisions that they are making.

There’s probably more. But since I haven’t been going to Alanon for that long, I don’t know the rest yet.

I know there are three C’s.

I didn’t ‘cause’ this. I can’t ‘control’ this. And I can’t ‘cure’ this.

I grew up into my late 30’s being a very codependent person. I give my worth away. I give everyone else around my worth and hope that they take care of it. Like a small child handing their macaroni art project to a grown-up and hoping they will take good care of it.

My codependency manifests itself in the creation and maintenance of my self esteem. I leave it up to my close circle of friends and family to generate and validate my self esteem. I grew up under the myth that I have no control over my own self esteem. It’s for others to award to me.

So this means that when someone in my family is doing something wrong. Since we grew up codependent to each other. That means that they know how to fix me and I know how to fix them. And more importantly it’s my duty to tell them when they are broken and how to fix themselves. Because in a codependent muddle we are all just a messy unit together. There isn’t individuality. There isn’t personalities. There is a group think and feeling that we all have to maintain.

In my particular codependent muddle we had a very strong personality we were all trying to manage for our own safety and serenity. This means sacrificing my own needs, wants, opinions, and feelings for the betterment of the group. We just need to keep them calm and the rest of us will be calm.

This means that I am incredibly hyper sensitive to moods and mood shifts. When something is off with someone I can sense it and I want to fix it. When the vibe shifts I feel it. It’s crazy how much you can learn to sense about a person based on how they enter a door. How they open the door. How they set their lunch bag down. Where and how they take their boots off. The first glance they throw in your direction. All of this goes into an equation and equals out to whether I’m in danger or safe.

This is why I need Alanon and therapy and a lot of other things I’ll go into some other time. But today it’s Alanon, that I’m needing. Someone in my family had a major episode and I assumed that would be their rock bottom and they would now proceed to get help and get better. Well that was a mistaken assumption. And my first instinct is to call them and call other family members and go into triage. Go into damage control. To start the trauma manifesting and bonding. After all this is happening to all of us right?

No. It’s just happening to one person. How they handle it is their business. Not mine. If they want my opinion they will ask. And they aren’t asking. My phone is not ringing. They did not consult with me. They did not put me on speakerphone from the hospital. So instead of beating my head against the wall expecting a new result. I’m going to stay in my lane. I’m going to complain to my sponsor and I’m going to get to the first meeting I can.

There is a hula hoop around me. Pretend hula hoop. Inside that hula hoop is the things I can control (barely.) Outside the hula hoop is everything I can’t control. It can be that simple.