how to reconcile your challenging upbringing with your present self-esteem

LOL.

I think I could have been raised with more ease. It didn’t have to be so hard. It didn’t have to be so physically painful. But it was.

So where does that leave me now?

If I’m going to like my present self. If I’m going to have any self-esteem, let alone positive self-esteem. If I’m going to have any confidence. I need to like myself. And doesn’t that mean appreciating how I got here? How I got to be myself?

Do I thank my shitty parents for how I got here?

No.

Do I think about it in terms of loving myself despite how I got here?

Is it possible to hate my upbringing and love who I am today?

I don’t fucking know.

I like myself. I do. Most of the time. Not always. I am moody. I am on antidepressants. Sometimes it’s really fucking hard getting out of bed. Sometimes I want to hide from everyone, including my wife and kids. Sometimes I feel fucking awesome. I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 5 years. I regularly attend meetings. I work out by running a lot. I read a lot of books. I go rock climbing with my kids. I take them for ice cream. We watch movies together. I go hunting for deer with a bow and a rifle in the fall. I also like shooting at ducks and snowshoe hares. I play Dungeons and Dragons with friends. I sometimes wear suits and go hang out at a fancy mall with my friend. I like trying all the chicken wings in the city. My kids like me and I like them. My wife likes me and I like her.

I just fucking hate how hard it had to be to get to this point. It didn’t have to be so hard. But would that mean I wouldn’t be who I am today? Would I have liked myself more, sooner?

I have no fucking idea. I will never know I guess.

All I can do is point forward. Move ahead.

Find gratitude for the fact that I figured it out now and not ever at all.

I can be thankful I am in a great spot now. I can let go of resentments for my parents……slowly……over time.

Progress not perfection.

I can be thankful that I can find some utility for others now in myself that wasn’t possible before.

So I guess there is no answer to the question. Two things can be true at the same time. I get to decide how much I let the past either weigh me down or inform future actions and decisions.

I just wish it didn’t have to be so hard to get here.