how not to get sick of blogging

Well, take 3 days off and feel guilty about it and then get back to it on Monday is one method.

I forgot to post on Friday, well I didn’t really forget I just didn’t like any of my ideas and I wanted to go home. So I left without posting. Usually on Fridays I write 3 posts and schedule them for Saturday and Sunday. So not only did I not do Fridays I didn’t do Saturdays and Sundays either. If I didn’t like any of my ideas for Friday how was I supposed to come up with more for Saturday and Sunday.

The thing is, that I did have ideas I just wasn’t feeling very confident about it. I think just letting it fly and letting it go is important. I want to just write down here everything and anything and just post it. I’d rather post a bunch of hot garbage consistently than post inconsistently. At least for now that’s my focus. I just need more reps. I need more practice writing. I’ve taken a long time off since I tried writing anything seriously and the reason it failed last time was because I only wrote when I felt like it. Well I started feeling like writing less and less. And I would refuse to write when I wasn’t up to it. Pretty soon that project just faded into the sunset.

So for this I just want to write and write a lot.

I think the lack of confidence is pretty standard for me. It’s my default. It goes in swings and cycles though. Sometimes I feel pretty good about myself and I know I feel pretty good because I don’t care about what I post. I don’t care because I know I can withstand the “scrutiny.” My self esteem is tied into vulnerability. The more self esteem and confidence I have the more armor I have over my vulnerabilities. That armor takes work to produce and put on. So it’s not always thick. Sometimes it’s paper thin or nonexistent.

Self-produced shame can substitute for self esteem and confidence and be it’s own temporary armor. I’d rather not feel shame more than I care about being vulnerable. Shame seems to supersede a lot of emotions. Tying shame to motivation can be powerful and it can work, but it won’t work very long. Shame is just toxic and handling it for too long burns me up and makes it worse. So I can’t rely on it. I can use it to shock the system and get back on track. Which is what this post is. Getting back on track.